DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 234 hrs (35c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs (35c) 15 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 4 4 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

2Y A hrs (35c) 6 10 

And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 

2Vi hrs (50c) 6 6 

Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 2% 

hrs (35c) 7 5 

Assisted by Sadie, 4 acts, 2y 2 

hrs (50c) 6 6 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2V 2 hrs (35c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2Y A hrs (35c) 6 14 

Bettv's Last Bet, 3 acts, 2 l / 2 

hrs (50c) 5 6 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

, (25c) 9 3 

Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1)4 hrs. 

(25c) 17 

Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 

1M hrs (25c) 16 2 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2% h. (25c) 7 4 
Cabin Courtship, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 5 4 

Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, 1 54 

hrs (25c) 10 

Civil Service, 3 acts, 2% hrs. 

(35c) 6 5 

Clubbing a Husband, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (35c) 12 

College Town, 3 acts, 2^4 

hrs (35c) 9 8 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2% hrs. 

(35c) 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 6 4 

Dream of Queen Esther, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (35c) 3 16 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2J4 hrs (35c) 6 13 

Early Bird, 3 acts, 2J4 ' hrs. 

(35c) 7 7 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr....(25c) 10 
Empty House, 3 acts and epi- 
logue, 2y 2 hrs (35c) 6 8 

Evtrvvouth, 3 acts, l r / 2 h. (25c) 7 6 
Fifty-Fifty, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. 

(50c) 5 5 

For the Love of Johnny. 3 

acts, 2 l A hrs (50c) 6 3 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

V/2 hrs (30c) 9 14 

Fun Revue, 2 hrs (35c) Optnl. 

Gettin' Acquainted, 25 min. 

(35c) 1 2 

Gold Bug. 4 acts, 2 # hrs. . (50c) 7 7 



M. F. 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (35c) 3 5 

High Brown Breach of Prom- 
ise, 1 hr (30c) 16 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c.) 5 2 

In Hot Tamale Land, 2 acts, 

2 hrs. (35c) 6 4 

Jayville Junction, l^hrs.(30c) 14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

2Y hrs (35c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2J4 hrs (35c) 6 12 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 1)4 hrs. 

(35c) 4 5 

Lie That Jack Built, 1 act, 30 

min (35c) 2 2 

Lighthouse Nan, 3 acts, 2 J4 

hrs (35c) 5 4 

Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 3 4 

Mary's Millions, 3 acts, 2%. 

hrs (50c) 5 6 

Mirandy's Minstrels (30c) Optnl. 

Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 2% hrs (35c) 4 7 

My Irish Rose, 3 acts, 2y 2 hrs. 

(35c) -. 6 6 

Old Maids, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. . (50c) 5 8 
Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

154 hrs (30c) 12 9 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2^h.(35c) 7 4 
Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (35c) 7 9 

Royal Cut-Up, 2 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 7 3 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2J4 

hrs (35c) 10 12 

Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 2J4 

hrs (35c) 5 7 

Safety First, 3 acts, 

2*4 hrs (35c) 5 5 

Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) • 7 

Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2y 2 

hrs (35c) 10 10 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 2y 2 h. (35c) 6 5 
Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 2y 2 

hrs (35c) 9 16 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2^4 hrs. 

(35c) 6 18 

Trip to Storyiand, 1% hrs. (25c) 17 23 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 7 10 

Way Down Along, Prologue 

and 2 acts, 2 hrs (35c) 7 3 

When Smith Stepped Out, 3 

acts, 2 hrs (50c) 4 4 

When the Clock Strikes Twelve, 

3 acts, 2y 2 hrs (35c) 8 20 

Whose Little Bride Are You? 

3 acts, 2y 2 hrs (50c) 5 5 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, \y 2 hrs. 

(25c) 2 4 

Zaragueta. 2 acts. 2 hrs... (35c) 7 4 



T. S. DENISON &COMPANY, Publishers, 623 S. Wabash Ave. .Chicago 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 

GUY L. CLEMENTS 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 



FOR FIVE MEN AND ONE WOMAN. 



CHARACTERS. 

Prof. Spook A Supernatural Scientist 

Prof. Jones A Transmigration Bug 

Ferdinand In Love With I ma 

Sambo A Husky, Dusky Invalid 

Nick A Terrible Spy 

Ima Spook The Inventor's Daughter 



Place — The Home of the Spooks. 



Time — Around the Witching Hour. 



Time of Playing — About Thirty-Five Minutes. 
COSTUMES. 

Professors Spook and Jones — Two rather eccentric, old 
fashioned, college profs., of about sixty years of age. Beards, 
long coats and skull caps. 

Ferdinand — A typical, well-dressed dude, not overly 
blessed with brains. Tall stand-up collar, bright red neck- 
tie, gloves, eyeglass and cane. 

Nick — Large dark eyebrows and a black mustache. 
Wears dark suit and black cap. 

Sambo — Comedy negro makeup. 

Ima — Young, pretty and romantic. 



COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY GUY L. CLEMENTS 
2 

AUG 21 '22 @CLD ,il72? 
7U.I. 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 




FIGURE J. 

Figure 1. — Stage setting for "Spirits and 
Spooks." 

Figure 2. — Rear view of "spirit ma- 
chine," showing arrangement of strings to 
raise and lower arms from behind the 
scenes. 



FIG USE 2. 

Note.— The "spirit machine" consists of an upright apparatus 
with two movable arms attached in such a manner that they may be 
manipulated from behind the scenes with strings. A wig-wag signal 
flag is attached to each arm. A board, cut out in the form of a 
man, should be painted black with white bones, to represent a skeleton, 
and nailed to uprights. This arrangement is then mounted on a 
large black box large enough to contain a man and a dog and with 
a hinged lid. The whole machine is lightly constructed in such a 
manner that it may be easily kicked to pieces from the inside. (See 
drawings.) 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 



STORY OF THE PLAY. 

Prof. Spook, inventor of a machine to communicate with 
the other world, believes his failure to receive a message is 
due to the ignorance of the spirits in regard to the scien- 
tific principles upon which his machine works. He is about 
to sacrifice his life in order to prove his theory, when he 
gets the idea of teaching an invalid how to work the ma- 
chine and then waiting for him to die. With this in mind 
he engages Sambo as his assistant. But becoming impatient 
at Sambo's good health he decides to hurry matters with a 
little poison. Sambo's life is saved by a spy who is trying 
to discover the secret of the invention. Prof. Spook, think- 
ing he has murdered Sambo, becomes frightened and dis- 
appears. Prof. Jones, who believes in the transmigration 
of the soul, thinking Prof. Spook to be dead, finds Sambo's 
dog in the spirit machine and believes it to be the soul of 
Prof. Spook. The dog and Prof. Spook finally turn up to- 
gether, much to the consternation and surprise of all, and 
no one is any the worse for the weird experiment in super- 
naturalism. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

Up stage means away from footlights ; down stage, near 
footlights. In the use of right and left, the actor is sup- 
posed to be facing the audience. 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 



Scene: A laboratory in the home of Professor Spook. 
There is a door in the center of the rear zvall, with an 
electric light switch alongside. (If stage facilities require, 
the door may be right or left instead of center.) The spirit 
machine is in the center of the room. A table is at right and 
slightly nearer the footlights. A black chest is tip left. 
Several chairs, and other furniture and equipment appro- 
priate to an inventor's laboratory are placed about the room. 

At Rise: The stage is dark. Nick is discovered exam- 
ining the room with a pocket electric flashlight. He goes 
to door and turns the switch. Lights up. 

Nick. At last I have found ze machine. Now to dis- 
cover ze secret of ze invention to talk with ze dead. (Goes 
to machine and starts to make an examination.) 

Ima (off stage). Father! 

Nick. Some one is coming. I must not be found here. 
(Quickly switches off lights and hides in chest, using flash- 
light to find it.) 

Enter Ima and Ferdinand. Ima switches on lights. 

Ima. That's strange! I was sure we saw a light in the 
laboratory and supposed we would find father here. 

Ferd. Deuced strange, by jove. The room certainly did 
appear to be illuminated. But perhaps it was merely the 
moon's rays shining on the window pane, don't you know. 
What a wonderful moon we have tonight. 

Ima. And our betrothal night, too. (Goes to Ferdinand 
and fixes Jiis tie.) Oh, Ferdie, I am so happy. How did you 
ever come to pick me out of all the girls in the world? 

Ferd. (placing arms about her waist). I cawn't say, ex- 
actly. I am rathaw under the impression that you picked 
me out. 

Ima. You are not sorry, are you Ferdinand? 

5 



6 SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 

Ferd. Widiculous, don't you know. 

Ima (lays her head on Ferdinand's shoulder and holds 
up her finger on zvhich there is a diamond). See how the 
light sparkles on my diamond. I wonder if the girls will 
notice it. 

Ferd. Oh, they will notice it all right. By jove, I only 
hope some of them don't recognize it, don't you know. 

Ima. Recognize it? You didn't show it to any of them, 
did you, Ferdinand ? 

Ferd. {embarrassed). Oh, dear no — that is — just see 
how lovely the moon shines through the window. 

Ima. The moon seems to have gone to your head this 
evening. 

Ferd. Oh no, nothing ever goes to my head, don't you 
know. 

Ima. I hate to tell father of our engagement. He will 
be so angry. Suppose we postpone telling him. 

Ferd. Why not tell him now and have the disagreeable 
affair over with ? 

Ima. I just hate to. You look so nice and handsome 
now, and goodness only knows how you will look after you 
tell father. 

Ferd. Deuced awkward, don't you know. Perhaps you 
better tell him. 

Ima. You see, father expects to become rich and fa- 
mous with this new invention of his, and he wants me to 
marry a title. I wish he would give up his idea of trying 
to talk with the other world. 

Ferd. That reminds me. I invited Professor Jones to 
come over this evening. Mr. Jones believes in the trans- 
migration of the soul after death, and perhaps he can talk 
your fathaw out of his beastly notion. 

Ima. I hope so, but I fear he will not be successful. 
They are coming now. Let's sneak out the back way be- 
fore we have to stay and listen to< their arguments. 

Ferd. Yas. Deuced clever, by jove. (Exeunt Ferdinand 
and Ima.) 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 7 

Enter Prof. Spook and Prof. Jones, speaking as they 
enter. 

Spook. You are all wrong, Professor Jones. You are 
on the wrong track entirely. It is only a theory and you 
have no facts on which to substantiate your claims. 

(Spook offers Jones a box of cigars. Jones takes a cigar 
and lights it.) 

Jones. Thanks. 

Spook (offering Jones a chair). Have a chair. (They 
sit down.) 

Jones. On the contrary, we have an abundance of evi- 
dence on every hand which goes to show that the soul of 
man, after leaving the body, takes on the form of some other 
animal. What kind of an animal, depends upon the life 
which that individual led while on earth. 

Spook. What are some of the circumstances of which 
you speak? 

Jones. Well, for instance, haven't you often said or done 
a thing and at the same time had a faint impression that 
the very same thing had happened to you before, in the 
very same manner, and at some very indefinite time in the 
past? 

Spook. Well, yes, I have had that experience. 

Jones. Exactly ; and have felt rather foolish because you 
could not recall the exact circumstance. So have I. This 
impression is caused by the subconscious mind reverting 
back to a similar experience at some former stage in the 
progress of your soul. 

Spook. Quite interesting. But it is not proof. 

Jones. Then again, no doubt you have often been awak- 
ened from a deep slumber by a sensation of falling through 
space, only to discover yourself making a wild grab at the 
bed post. That is merely a faint recollection of the time 
when you sprang from limb to limb among the giant trees 
of the forest. 

Spook. Convert me to your faith if you can, but don't 
try to make a monkey out of me. 



8 SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 

Jones. Then no doubt you have often noticed a strange 
cat or dog to suddenly appear in the neighborhood. Where 
did that strange cat or dog come from? Answer me that if 
you can. It is a mystery that can be explained in no other 
way. You have often marveled at the faithfulness of a dog 
to his cruel master. His master may cuff him and kick him 
about, but the dog only wags his tail in devotion. The 
chances are that the soul of that dog was once the grand- 
father of that man. As for proof, what proof do you have 
that the spirits of the dead are flying about through the 
air, as you claim? 

Spook. Very little, at present. But I expect to soon be 
able to establish my theory scientifically, through the use 
of this immortality machine. 

Jones. You are a spiritualist, then? 

Spook. No, I am not a spiritualist. And I have no use 
for the ouija boards and table-tippers. There is nothing 
to it. The whole business is simply childish. 

Jones. Then how do you expect to get results? 

Spook. I am working on an entirely different plan, strict- 
ly along scientific lines. Science tell us that the life units 
which go to form a man do not die, and that the usual 
word "death" is a misapplied term. When we "die" the in- 
finitesimally small units composing our personality, like a 
swarm of bees, so to speak, simply betake themselves else- 
where and go on functioning as before. Now, this machine 
is built with the idea of attracting these personalities. The 
device is in the nature of a valve operated by electric cur- 
rents in such a way that the smallest conceivable amount 
of energy exerted on it is multiplied many times. 

Jones. Have you had any evidence that your machine was 
attracting the attention of a curious spirit? 

Spook. Yes, as I have been working on it I have often 
felt the presence of some one near me. I have even heard 
a slight rustling sound when I was absolutely certain that 
there was no one near. As we came in I observed that the 
signal arms were pointing up, whereas I left them both 
pointing down. 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 9 

Jones. Then why doesn't the spirit send you a message? 

Spook. The chances are that when that particular spirit 
died there was no machine like this on earth and he doesn't 
know how to work the thing. He will find out one of these 
days. Then look out for a sensation. 

Jones. What kind of a spirit do you expect to hear from 
first? 

Spook. I would not be surprised if my first message 
came from some scientist, perhaps even a foreigner, who 
thoroughly understands the working of electric currents. 

Jones. Perhaps your "curious spirit" is a spy who is try- 
ing to find out the secret of your invention for his own 
use. 

Spook. No. There is no doubt about a spirit trying to 
work the machine. But in order to manipulate it, it is 
necessary to understand the principles upon which it works. 
That is the stumbling block. In fact I have reached the 
conclusion that it will be necessary for me to sacrifice my 
own life in order to teach the world how to talk with the 
dead. (Takes paper from pocket and holds it in hand.) 
I have here a letter of farewell already drawn up. This 
is my life work. And if it takes my life to accomplish it, 
I am ready to go. 

Jones. Surely you would not be so foolish. Even if 
you did succeed in sending back a message, you would not 
be here to enjoy the fame it would bring. Why not get 
some worthless, good-for-nothing chap to die in your place? 
Don't you have some one in mind who would fit the bill? 

Spook. Yes, my daughter's "affinity" would fit the bill 
exactly. Still, he wouldn't know enough to work the ma- 
chine after he was dead. 

Jones. It would be best to get some invalid; some one 
who is right on the verge of the grave, teach him to use 
the machine and then wait for him to die. Suppose you 
should take your own life and then after trying to work the 
machine from the other side of the grave you should want 
to make some improvements. Then it would be too late. 



10 SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 

Spook. There is some logic to your argument, and I 
rather like the suggestion. I will keep it in mind and if I 
have a chance to get the right man I may try it. 

Enter Ima. Spook leaves letter on table. 

Ima. Excuse me father, but there is a man outside who 
wants to trade the sweetest, dearest, little dog for something 
to eat. 

Spook. Send him away at once. You know I never allow 
anyone to bring a dog on these premises. 

Ima. This is such a dear little fellow. Can't I keep him? 

Spook. No. You may give the man something to eat, 
but make him leave his dog outside. 

Enter Ferdinand. He overhears Ima. 

Ima. But father, I love him so much and when I held 
him in my arms he rubbed his poor little cold nose against 
my cheek. 

Ferd. (looks surprised and rubs nose; aside). By jove! 

Spook (angrily). No, I say. I won't have that dog hang- 
ing around here. 

Ferd. (going to Spook and holding out his hands). 
Weally, Professor, if you only knew how much I love her — 

Ima (taking Ferdinand by the arm and going out). Come 
on, Ferdinand. We were talking about dogs, not sweet- 
hearts. 

Ferd. Deuced strange, by jove! 

(Ferdinand and Ima exeunt.) 

Spook (going to door). Ima! 

Ima (outside). Yes, father. 

Spook. You need not feed that fellow, after all. You 
may send him to me instead. 

Ima (outside). All right, father. 

Spook. There is no reason nowadays why an able bodied 
man should go around begging for his food. I will give 
him a chance to sweep out the office for his dinner. 

Jones. You are quite right, Professor. But I must warn 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 11 

you about your treatment of dogs. No one would want to 
spend his next life as a dog. Of course you may not be- 
lieve as I do, but you must admit that the great number of 
people who go around growling at everything compares 
very favorably with the large number of dogs running 
about. 

(Whining of dog is heard from outside.) 

Sambo (outside). Close yo' yap, you old coon chaser, 
or you all gwin' to lose yo' happy home, you is ! 

Sambo raps at door and then enters, carrying suitcase 
containing dog. 

Spook. Come in. 

Sambo. Yas, suh, I is in. 

Spook. What can I do for you? 

Sambo. Am you all de gen'man what expressionized de 
desirification ob ma presence? 

Spook. Yes, my daughter said you were hungry. 

Sambo. Hungry! Lawzie, boss, dat word don't begin to 
specicate de condition Fs in. Fs simply ravenous. 

Spook. How does it come that a young, able bodied man 
like you is going around begging for food? 

Sambo. Fs done had a very serious operation performed 
on me. 

Spook. What kind of an operation? 

Sambo. Fs had ma allowance cut off. 

Spook. Indeed. In that case you should go to work. 
Do you want a job? 

Sambo. No, suh. Fs done got a job already, I has, try- 
in' to keep out of work. Besides havin' de flaperation of 
de heart, I done swallowed ma razor, superinducin' mem- 
branous hemorage in de outer cuticle of ma liver. 

Spook. You don't say so. 

Sambo. Yas, suh. Fs right on de verge of de grave, I is. 
Cain't possibly live more'n a few days. 

Spook (aside). Right on the verge of the grave! He's 
the very man I am looking for. (To Sambo.) What is 
your name? 



12 SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 

Sambo. Sambo Lincoln George Washington Johnson, 
suh. 

Spook. Very well, Sambo. I feel sorry for you, and I 
am going to give you a chance to make a living without 
working. 

Sambo. Dat sure sounds interestin', boss. 

Spook. I am an inventor, and I will make you my assist- 
ant. All you will have to do is to sit in that easy chair there 
and watch this machine. 

Sambo. Say boss, let's see if I misunderstands you incor- 
rectly. You say all I has to do is to set in dat-air chair and 
look at dat-air contraption ? 

Spook. Yes, that's all you have to do. And I will pay 
you a dollar an hour. 

Sambo. Well, I's pretty tired, I is, so I guess I'll just sit 
down and work an hour. (Sits down.) 

Spook. Good. Now, this machine you are to watch is 
an invention of mine to talk with the spirits. * 

Sambo. Spirits. (Jumps up and starts for door.) Ex- 
cuse me, boss, I tenders ma resignation dis instant. I done 
forgot all about a very 'portant 'pointment I done got down 
town. 

Spook (detaining Sambo). Surely, you are not afraid of 
a little harmless spirit, are you? 

Sambo. No, suh, I ain't afraid of no spirits. I's a brave 
nigger, I is. We just don't associate intimately, dat's how. 
No, suh, spirits and me ain't on speakin' terms, we ain't. 

Spook. Very well. I was in hopes you would take the 
job, at least until after dinner. (Sniffs the air.) I guess 
dinner is ready, Professor. I smell the roast chicken and 
fried oysters now. 

Sambo (comes down stage and sniffs air). Say, boss, on 
second consideration I withdraws ma resignation. (Sits in 
chair and sniffs air.) I suttingly does take de job. Chicken 
is about de fondest thing I is of. 

Spook. Good. Now, all you have to do, in case you see 
a spirit, is to yell. 

Sambo. Yas, suh ; I suttinly will yell, all right. 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 13 

Spook. That is, either call or come for me. For in- 
stance, in case a spirit enters and goes to working the 
machine, you will be sitting here near the door. 

Sambo. No, suh. I'll be considerable distance down de 
road. 

Spook. That's right ; hunting for me. I see you have the 
right idea. Now, these wires you see here are charged 
with very sensitive currents of electricity, and a very 
slight vibration, such as would be caused by a faint sigh or 
moan, exerted on the sounding board, would cause these 
arms to operate. 

Sambo. Yas, suh. But if dere's any moanin' goin' on 
'round here dis nigger won't be here, dat's all. 

Spook. And just one thing more. My daughter tells me 
that you have a dog. I never allow a dog on the premises, 
and if I ever find it here I will shoot it on the spot. (Turns 
to Jones.) This way, Professor. 

(Jones and Spook exeunt.) 

Sambo. Lawzie ! I reckon dis here nigger done got him- 
self in a pickle dis time, fo' sure. If a spirit comes snoopin' 
around here dis nigger'll just natu'ly evaporate. (Opens 
suitcase and takes out small dog.) Come here, you poor 
little old coon chaser. (Sits dozvn with dog in his arms.) 
I reckon you all done 'bout lived your life, you is. (Strokes 
dog.) You sure am in a bad fix dis time. You all goin' git 
shot on de spot. 

Spook (calls from off stage). Sambo! 

Sambo (jumping up, frightened). Yas, suh! 

Spook (off stage). Come here a minute. 

Sambo. Yas, suh ; I's comin'. (Looks about stage for 
place to hide dog.) Dawg-gone, what's I gwan do wid dis 
poor li'l old coon chaser? Reckon I'll hide him in dis old 
box. (Tries to raise lid of chest, but it is held shut by 
Nick.) Guess de lid am nailed down. (Goes to spirit ma- 
chine and raises lid to the box.) Guess I'll make a spirit ob 
him. (Places dog in machine and closes lid.) 

Spook (off stage). Sambo, come here this instant. 



14 SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 

Sambo (starting for door). Yas, suh. I's comin', I is. 

(Someone off stage gives an imitation of a dog howling 
at the moon, then manipulates the signal arms of the ma- 
chine with strings. Arms should continue to operate until 
Spook receives his message.) 

Sambo (stops and listens). Shut yo' head, you old coon 
chaser, or you-all goin' lose yo' home. (Sees arms moving.) 
Lawzie, now look what you went and done ! 

Spook enters. 

Spook (angry). See here! Why don't you come when I 
call? (Sees arms waving and becomes very excited.) Ah! 
See! A spirit at last! A pencil and paper, quick! (Grabs 
writing pad and paper from table.) He is trying to send 
me a message. ( Watches machine as he writes on pad, and 
spells:) S-A-U-S-A-G-E — . (Signals stop. Spook looks at 
pad and reads.) Sausage! Ah, my foreign scientist at last. 
(To Sambo.) Look here, Sambo, see what I got out of the 
machine. Sausage! 

Sambo. Dat ain't nuffin', considerin' what went into it, 
suh. 

Spook. At last my labors are to be rewarded ! You may 
get your dinner if you wish, and I will watch the machine 
while you are gone. I may get something more. (Sits dozim 
and watches machine.) 

Sambo. Yas, suh. (Starts for door. Aside.) I done 
reckon he goin' git some bologna next time. Poor old coon 
chaser. (Exit.) 

Spook. The spirit has evidently left. (Reads from pad.) 
Sausage ! A rather queer message, when you come to think 
of it. It would never do to give that to the public. They 
would only laugh. Nevertheless, it has proven that my 
theory is correct and that the machine will work. All I 
need now is to wait for someone who understands the ma- 
chine to die and send back a message. That will prove its 
authenticity beyond a doubt. Sambo says he can't possibly 
live more than a few weeks. But that is a long time to wait. 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 15 

(Stealthily.) A little pinch of poison mixed in some wine 
would greatly reduce the time. What difference would it 
make, anyway, whether he dies today or a week from to- 
day? There could be no harm as long as he must die any- 
way. I believe I will do it. (Opens door of small cabinet 
and takes out bottle of wine in which he puts some powder.) 
A little of this powder taken with the wine, and he will 
simply pass away without pain or suffering. Perhaps, after 
all, I will only be doing him a favor. Who knows? (Sets 
bottle and glass on table.) I will simply leave it here on 
the table. Then I will teach Sambo how to use the machine 
and leave him to work out his own destruction. 

Sambo enters eating a piece of chicken. 

Spook. Well, Sambo, did you get plenty to eat? 

Sambo. Say, boss, I reckon if I eats much more I's goin' 
be a spirit, myself. 

Spook. You weren't gone very long. 

Sambo. No, suh, I's an efficiency eatin' expert, I is. 

Spook. By the way, Sambo, you understand how to work 
this machine, don't you? 

Sambo. Yas, suh. I reckon I knows one way to make it 
operate. 

Spook. That's good. And in case something should sud- 
denly happen, or you should suddenly die, or something, do 
you think you could send us a message? 

Sambo. Huh? I don't calculate on dyin' till yet for a 
while. 

Spook. Oh, no. Certainly not. (Nervously.) Just in 
case something did happen, or something, you know. 

Sambo (suspicious). Say, what you-all mean, "somethin' 
or somethin' " ? 

Spook. Oh, nothing at all ; nothing at all. I am going to 
leave you now, and you can call in case you want me. There 
is just one thing more. I must caution you about drinking 
everything you find around here. Remember, it is not 
yours. 

Sambo. No, suh. I's strictly temperance, I is. 



16 SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 

Spook. That's good. Now, if you will come with me I 
will give you a duster and you can improve your time by 
dusting off the furniture. 

(Sambo and Spook exeunt.) 

(Nick gets put of chest and comes dozvn stage.) 

Nick. Ze nigger is spoiling all my plans. Just as I am 
about to discover ze secret of ze invention, he comes to 
guard ze machine. I must frighten him away. (Takes 
sheet from cabinet and, throwing it over his head, hides 
behind table.) 

Sambo enters with feather duster. He sings or whistles 
as he zvorks. 

Sambo. No, suh. I never drinks nuffin, no-how. I's 
strictly temperance, I is. (Dusts table and discovers bottle.) 
Lawzie! See what am a-standin' hefe lookin' me in de 
face. (Dusts all around bottle and then sits down in chair 
by the table, all the time watching the bottle. Picks up 
bottle, smells of it, looks about to see if anyone is watching, 
then sets it back on the table with a sigh.) No, suh, I's 
strictly temperance, I is. I never drinks nuffin, no-how. 
(Nick takes another bottle from the cabinet and substitutes 
it for the one on the table. Then hides behind table and. 
moans. Sambo is frightened.) Lawzie! What am dat? 
I reckon dis here nigger needs a little bracer. (Takes bot- 
tle from table.) Dis am de only kind of spirits what I 
ain't skeered of. (Takes cork from bottle and lays it on 
the table. Then pours wine into glass and sets the bottle 
back on the table while he drinks from glass. Nick places 
the cork back in the bottle while Sambo drinks and smacks 
his lips.) Dat air liquor sure am allurin'. Reckon dis here 
nigger just natu'ly goin' ruin dat bottle 'fore I's through. 
(Tries to pour out some more wine and is surprised to find 
cork in bottle.) How'd you-all get in dar, you old jumpin' 
jack, you? (Takes cork from bottle, pours wine in glass 
and sets glass on table while he replaces cork in bottle. 
Nick quickly drinks the contents of the glass and replaces 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 17 

the glass on the table. Sambo strikes the cork a final blozv.) 
Dar, now ! I reckon I's goin' poke you in, myself, dis time. 
(Sets bottle back on table and tries to drink from glass. 
Becomes frightened when he finds it empty. Turns -glass 
upside down.) Dere must be a thirsty spook around here 
somewhere. I reckon dis nigger goin' to adjourn percipi- 
tately. 

Nick (spooky tone). Sambo-o-o ! 

Sambo (jumps to his feet and his knees shake). Oh, 
mamma, hold yo' little pickaninny tight in yo' arms ! 

Nick. Sambo-o-o! I am the ghost of the girl whose 
heart you broke ! 

Sambo. No, suh! You's mistooken, Mr. Ghost! I ain't 
never done nothin'. 

Nick. Sambo-o-o ! Your time has come. I am going to 
kill you! (Nick shoots a gun in the air. Sambo exits 
with a yell.) 

.Spook enters and is knocked over by Sambo. Nick 
throws his sheet over Spook's head. They have a tussle 
and Nick finally escapes through the door. Spook exits, 
chasing him and calling for help. Ima, Ferdinand and 
Jones enter. 

Ima. Father! What's the matter? (Looks about room.) 
Oh, dear, what has happened? 

Jones. It looks to me like foul play. 

Ferd. It sounded as if something exploded, don't you 
know. 

Jones. Marvelous! How did you ever figure it out? 

Ima (walking about and wringing her hands). I'm afraid 
something terrible has happened ! Oh Ferdinand, can't you 
do something? 

Ferd. (follozving her about, wringing his hands). I 
don't know. Weally, I never tried, don't you know. 

Jones. Sambo seems to have disappeared also. He may 
know something of the affair. 

Ima. He was alone with father. He was a perfect 
stranger and may be responsible for the shooting. 



18 SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 

Ferd. Mercy! I hope he is out of ammunition, don't 
you know. 

Ima. I'm going to call the police and have them put a 
man pn his trail at once. I feel that if we can find Sambo 
we can soon solve the mystery. (Exit.) 

Ferd. By jove, things are in a beastly muddle, don't you 
know. 

Jones. Marvelous concentration of thought. How did 
you ever figure it out ? 

Ferd. (finds the letter which Spook left on table). Ah, 
here is a letter from the Professor. It is for Ima. I will 
take it to her. (Starts for door.) 

Jones. (Stopping Ferdinand.) Just a moment. Let 
me see that letter. (Takes letter.) It is the one he showed 
me this evening. I wonder if it is possible he could have 
changed his mind and has taken his life. If so it is better 
that Ima does not know. I think I will read it and see if it 
will throw any light on the situation. (Opens letter and 
reads:) "My darling daughter: I have decided to sacrifice 
my life in order to teach the world how to talk with the 
dead. Do not mourn for me, as I will soon be talking to 
you from the other world. Till then, farewell. Lovingly, 
your father." 

Ferd. Do you weally think the Professor is dead? 

Jones. It must be so. He has evidently changed his 
mind and taken his life to try and prove his foolish theory. 
It's too bad. Professor Spook was a good man, in spite 
of his eccentricities. 

Ferd. (wiping a tear from his eye with a corner of his 
handkerchief) . And to think what a good fathaw-in-law 
he would have made. 

Jones (crushes letter). Ima must never know the real 
cause of her father's death. It would only break her 
heart. 

Ferd. Do you weally think the Professor will ever send 
us a message? 

Jones. Impossible. His soul will simply transmigrate into 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 19 

the form of some other animal, and continue its progress 
down through the ages. 

Ferd. Deuced strange, don't you know. What kind of 
an animal do you suppose he will become? 

Jones. I have no way of knowing. It depends upon the 
kind of a life he led while on earth. For instance, haven't 
you often seen a mule that reminded you of some deceased 
person you had known? 

Ferd. By jove! I'll never be stubborn again, don't you 
know ! (Someone off stage imitates the long, dreary howl 
of a dog, then manipulates the signal arms on the machine. 
Ferdinand points at machine and gets behind Jones.) 
Look ! See, the bally thing is moving. It must be the pro- 
fessor ! 

Jones (holding up his finger for silence). Listen. 

(Imitation of dog howling is repeated.) 

Ferd. By jove, there is a dog in the machine. 

Jones. Marvelous concentration of thought. How did 
you ever figure it out? (They go to machine and Jones 
holds up the lid.) See if you can reach him. 

Ferd. (sticks hand in machine and then jumps back). 
Ouch ! The blooming brute snapped at me. 

Jones. Here ; let me get him. ( Takes dog from machine 
and holds it in his arms.) 

Ferd. By jove, where did it come from? 

Jones (imitating Ferdinand). I rathaw think from out 
of the machine, don't you know. 

Ferd. (looking closely at the dog). There is something 
about his face that seems deuced familiar, don't you know. 

Jones. Ferdinand, did Professor Spook ever have a dog? 

Ferd. Mercy, no ! He never allowed one on the place. 

Jones. Then there is no other explanation, and it must 
be so. Ferdinand, look closely at this dog and see if there 
is anything about him that reminds you of Professor Spook. 

Ferd. (looking at dog). By jove! His nose and mouth 
do resemble the professor. And see the expression on his 
face. You don't think it is the Oh, my gwacious sakes ! 



20 SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 

Jones. It must be so. Didn't we find him in the ma- 
chine trying to send us a message ? And if you want further 
proof, just look at the dog. See, he won't even look you in 
the face. 

Ferd. By jove! Now when I marry Ima the dog will 
be my fathaw-in-law. Deuced awkward, don't you know. 

Jones. Ima must never know. It would humiliate her for 
life. 

Ima (calling off stage). Ferdinand! 

Jones. Here she comes now. We must hide the dog. 
We'll put it back in the machine until we have a better 
chance to get away with it. (Offers the dog to Ferdinand.) 
Here, hold it a minute while I lift the lid. 

Ferd. (backing off and waving the dog back with his 
hands). Oh, no! The professor doesn't like me, don't you 
know. 

Jones (lifting lid and placing dog in machine). There, 
Now, remember; no matter what happens, Ima must never 
know the fate of her father. Let us go now and see what 
she wants. (Jones and Ferdinand exeunt.) 

After a moment, Spook thrusts his head in at the door 
and looks cautiously around. His hair and clothing are di- 
sheveled; one eye is black and his collar is unbuttoned. He 
comes quickly down stage and eagerly picks up the bottle 
and examines it. 

Spook. Too late! I am too late. He has drunk the 
poison, and I am a murderer ! Oh, why did I do it ? I al- 
lowed the excitement of the moment to> carry me beyond the 
bounds of reason. And all for nothing. I caught that 
thief and forced him to confess that he was a spy trying 
to discover the secret of my invention, and he told me that 
a dog that the darkey put in the machine was what made 
it work. I wonder if they will suspect that it was I who 
killed the negro. (Tragically.) I can almost feel the cruel 
handcuffs now, biting into my flesh, and see the cold, rusty 
bars across the windows ! Oh, why did I not think of these 
things before it was too late? (Listens.) Someone is 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 21 

coming. They must nof see me in this condition. (Hides 
under table or elsewhere in the room.) 

Ferdinand and Jones enter. 

Ferd. The chief of police says he will have a man out 
here at once. 

Jones. In the meantime we must locate the body and 
dispose of it in such a manner that the facts will never come 
out. We must work fast. If you will keep Ima interested, 
I'll go down to the barn and see what I can find there. 

Ferd. Certainly, I can keep her interested for hours. I 
am a deucedly interesting conversationalist, don't you know. 

Jones. Then go. And if you never conversationed before, 
do it now. (Jones and Ferdinand exeunt.) 

Spook (coming from hiding place). Horrors! The 
police are already on the trail. Evidently Ferdinand and 
Jones are trying to protect me by disposing of the body. 
Perhaps, after all, I may be saved. (Struck by a sudden 
thought.) Heavens! What*if the negro should send a mes- 
sage back and tell the world that I poisoned him? I would 
be ruined by my own invention! There is only one thing 
to do. I must destroy the machine ! (Takes axe and. is about 
to demolish the machine when Ima speaks off stage.) 

Ima (off stage). Let's examine things in the laboratory. 

Spook. Too late, again! They are coming. I will hide 
in the machine. They will never find me there. (Drops 
axe and gets into the machine with the dog.) 

Ima and Ferdinand enter. 

Ferd. It's beastly warm in here, don't you know. Sup- 
pose we go out and sit in the garden. 

Ima. I would rather spend a few moments here. Father 
would never allow me to even look at things in here, and 
I have often been consumed with curiosity, especially in 
regard to his new invention. I have often wondered what 
the inside of it was like. (Ima is about to raise the lid when 
Ferdinand sits on the box.) 

Ferd. I wouldn't bother about looking at these things to- 



22 SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 

night. To-morrow will be plenty of time. Besides, I have 
so much to say to you about our wedding. Don't you sup- 
pose we ought to postpone it a little while now? 

I ma. Oh, I don't know as that would be necessary. Some- 
how I don't seem to worry so much about father, since talk- 
ing to the police. I feel that he will turn up in some man- 
ner. 

Ferd. But suppose we went ahead and were married with- 
out his consent. What would he say ? 

Ima. Oh, he might growl a little about it, but that's all. 

Ferd. (startled). "Growl!" Oh, yes; exactly. That is 

(Wipes his forehead zvith handkerchief.) It's beastly warm 
this evening, don't you know. 

Jones and Sambo enter. Sambo carries another old suit- 
case in which there are several chickens. Jones has him by 
the coat collar and boosts him along. 

Sambo. I never done steal no chickens, no-how. No, 
suh ! I never done steal no chickens. 

Jones. Then explain what you were doing down in the 
chicken house at this time of night. 

Sambo. Well, suh, I done heard an old rooster sort of 
chokin', like as though something was obstructin' his wind- 
pipe, an' I just natu'ly went in to see if I could stop him. 

Jones. You sure stopped him all right. That rooster will 
never choke again. Now, tell us all you know about the 
shooting here this evening. 

Sambo. Lawzie, boss ! Dis here nigger don't know nuffin' 
'bout nuffin' ! 

Jones. Very well, then, you may consider yourself under 
arrest, unless you can remember just exactly what hap- 
pened. 

Sambo. Well, boss, I was just natu'ly sittin' down, peace- 
able like, in dat 'ere chair, when all of a sudden I looks 
around an' dar stood a great big ghost, 'bout fifty feet tall, 
wid smoke comin' out of his ears, an' sparks flyin' out of 
his eyes, an' fire shootin' out of his mouth, an' he say, 
"Sambo-o-o, I's goin' kill you!" just like dat. An' then he 



SPIRITS AND SPOOKS 23 

just natu'ly exploded. Lawzie, boss, dis here nigger didn't 
stop to 'vestigate nuffin'. He just natu'ly preambulated. 

(A great commotion is heard from the machine, yelping 
of dog and cries of help, as Spook and the dog get into a 
fight. In trying to get away from the dog Spook zvrecks 
the machine in such a manner that it falls to pieces. He 
climbs out. Everybody is greatly frightened at the commo- 
tion. Sambo finally rescues the dog. Ima runs and throws 
her arms about her father's neck. Sambo tucks his dog 
under one arm and, grabbing his suit case r starts for the 
door, but the suit case parts, scattering the chickens in every 
direction. Sambo is trying to catch the chickens, at ) 

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